Философия на каждый день

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and  that's it...  don't waste them on exercise.  Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your  heart will not make you live longer;  that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster. 

Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is  nothing more  than an efficient  mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.  Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your  recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

 Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?

 A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine, that means they take the water out of  the fruity  bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms   up!

 Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?

 A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your  ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one,  etc.

 Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?

 A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy  is: No Pain...Good!

 Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you?

 A:  YOU'RE  NOT LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How  could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

 Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you  want a bigger stomach.

 Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me?

 A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!  It's the best feel-good   food around!

 Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure?

 A:  If   swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle?

 A:  Hey!  'Round' is a shape! Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions  you may have had about food and diets.  And  remember:   'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body,         but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and                     screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'